Update...

I saw the doctor yesterday....actually, as usual, I ended up seeing the P.A. Somehow, my doctor is ALWAYS behind, and they give the waiting room the option of seeing the Physician's Assistant so you don't have to wait as long. I actually really like her and don't mind seeing her, but I shouldn't have to wait hours past my appointment time to actually see MY doctor. I would have waited it out, but since I had Ryan with me I opted to go ahead and see the P.A. I wasn't sure how long Ryan would be good, and it was a good thing I didn't gamble. She got pretty fussy just after we left.

Anyway, after discussing all of my symptoms they decided that they wanted to do a blood panel to check my hormones. It'll take about a week to get the results back, and in the mean time she suggested I try taking Lexapro. They warned me that it might make me sleepy, but I didn't get that lucky. I took it for the first time this morning. Instead of being sleepy I got really dizzy, which made me nauseous. There's nothing worse than being sick at your stomach...especially while you're having to chase a baby.

When they prescribed the medicine they mentioned having to get used to it, so I'm hoping that after a few days it won't affect me as badly as it did today. On a happier note, as the afternoon has worn on it seems to be wearing off.  Hopefully tomorrow it won't make me feel quite so weird!

Finally gave in...

It looks like I spoke a little too soon. I thought I was getting past this PWD stuff, but after this weekend I decided to call my doctor's office and speak to someone. I'm waiting for the nurse to talk to Dr. Bailey and call me back with instructions as to where to go next.

For some reason, my anxiety seems to be fixated on my family now...specifically my parents and Grandma, who I got to spend time with this weekend. I was able to hide it pretty well (I think), but I've been constantly on the verge of tears....the most emotional I've ever been, I think. I keep thinking about how my Grandma is 85 and isn't going to be around forever. I worry about something happening to my parents and how horrible life would be without them. It's kind of like when you sleep over at someone's house for the first time when you're young and have severe home sickness. I almost don't want to let them out of my sight. I've thought about these things before, and it's obviously sad that I won't always have those closest to me, but it's never affected me like this. It's never been where I absolutely can't stop thinking about bad things happening and being unable to hold back tears. My parents left this morning to take my Grandma on a trip to see family in Alabama. They stopped by here on their way out of town to drop their dogs off, and it was horrible to have to tell them goodbye knowing that they'd be gone a week.  Really? I'm 29 years old with my own family. What is WRONG with me?! On one hand, it's almost debilitating to have THIS much anxiety, but on the other, at least now I can put a finger on what I'm anxious about. Before, I was always on the verge of a panic attack about nothing! With that came an intense feeling of hopelessness, which isn't quite so bad now.

I'm pretty sure Alan thinks I'm crazy and doesn't know what to do with me. He's being very sweet and trying to be comforting, and he's been gently prodding me to see the doctor. Truth be told, the reason I haven't called before now is that I'm scared to death to be put on anything. The thought of having to take a pill to change brain chemistry is terrifying to me. What if it makes this worse? What if it doesn't help? What if I can't get off of the medicine? ....again, another source of anxiety.

On a happy note, aside from the weepiness, we had a great Father's Day weekend. Friday night Alan and I went to see a movie and had dinner with friends. Saturday night we spent time with my Grandma and parents, played dominoes, and swam. Saturday we went to church with my family, had an amazing lunch of fried shrimp, tenderloin, and fresh veggies from the Farmer's Market. Afterwards we spent the rest of the afternoon with Alan's family. In the midst of all of the anxiety I can always find some light in the fact that everyone loves Ryan so much and that she brings so much joy to everyone. Her grandparents and uncles absolutely adore her, and her smile can make me feel better even on the darkest of days.

I'm hoping to keep myself busy this week...Maybe Ryan and I will find some fun things to do and can get out of the house some. Thursday we're looking forward to a fun play date at the splash pad with the ladies from my Bible study. Tomorrow we'll have a My Gym class, and we might go to the Babies and Books class at the library on Wednesday. In the mean time, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a quick call back from Dr. Bailey. I'm "anxious" to hear what she suggests I do!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

Random thoughts...

Well it's been a few days since I've last posted, but I think that's a good thing. It means that I've been feeling well enough to keep myself busy which means I haven't had too much time to blog. For the most part, I think the PWD is gone. PTL!!! Hopefully the hormones are back where they should be. Every once in a while I still get a little anxious, but now it doesn't seem so downright hopeless. At least now I can put my finger on what I'm anxious about instead of having it completely overwhelm me because I truly don't know WHY I'm feeling that way. I guess it would be less than normal to never feel anxious, worried, stressed, etc.

On that note, I never knew how stressful planning a first birthday party could be. There's one side that says, "Oh, they'll never remember it anyway. Don't spend too much time on it because it's mainly for YOU anyway." Then there's the other side that says, "This is the FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER! I has to be sooo special! You need to have a blow out!" I tend to lean towards the latter, but I'm trying to come up with a plan that's a happy medium. I don't want to go overboard, but when Ryan looks back on pictures I want her to know that I did something special. I recently encountered a mom that simply couldn't believe that I didn't have my child's first birthday party planned down to the last chocolate chip yet. (Apparently she has her FOUR MONTH OLD'S first birthday planned already.) Thank goodness for my mom who has been very instrumental in helping me plan and get ready! Speaking of my mom, for those of you out there that pray, please remember her in your prayers. She woke up this morning with something wrong with her neck and can hardly move her head. I'm praying that she has some relief soon.

While you're at it, please keep my brother, James, and his family in your prayers. He's been interviewing for numerous positions at private schools around the country, and I know that they are ready to have a plan set in stone. Believe me...I know how scary and daunting the unknown can be. (Alan and I lived through that every couple of months for a few years.) There's a chance that James could get a job Fort Worth, which would be amazing. Alan and I would be thrilled to have them so close so that we could spend more time with them. We don't get to see them nearly as much as we would like to.

Since it's nearly Father's Day, I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. One thing that sticks out about my childhood is that he always  corrected me when I said, "I can't." Regardless of the task at hand he would always encourage me to at least try. In that light, I'd like to leave you with a poem that I recently found.

Can’t is the worst word that’s written or spoken;
Doing more harm here than slander and lies;
On it is many a strong spirit broken,
And with it many a good purpose dies.
It springs from the lips of the thoughtless each morning
And robs us of courage we need through the day;
It rings in our ears like a timely sent warning
And laughs when we falter and fall by the way.

Can’t is the father of feeble endeavor,
The parent of terror and halfhearted work;
It weakens the efforts of artisans clever,
And makes of the toiler an indolent shirk.
It poisons the soul of the man with a vision,
It stifles in infancy many a plan;
It greets honest toiling with open derision
And mocks at the hopes and the dreams of a man.

Can’t is a word none should speak without blushing;
To utter it should be a symbol of shame;
Ambition and courage it daily is crushing;
It blights a man’s purpose and shortens his aim.
Despise it with all of your hatred of error;
Refuse it the lodgement it seeks in your brain;
Arm against it as a creature of terror,
And all that you dream of you someday shall gain.

Can’t is the word that is foe to ambition
An enemy ambushed to shatter your will;
Its prey is forever the man with a mission
And bows but to courage and patience and skill.
Hate it, with hatred that’s deep and undying,
For once it is welcomed ’twill break any man;
Whatever the goal you are seeking, keep trying
And answer this demon by saying: “I can.”

Light At the End of the Tunnel

Great news...yesterday was a good day. Ryan and I got out of the house for a while, and I rarely had any anxiety. Interestingly, the only time it got bad was when I was laying in bed last night in the dark and couldn't go to sleep... but even that didn't seem to last too terribly long. When I feel the angst starting to get the best of me I've started making a list out loud of everything I have to be thankful for....a healthy baby, a loving husband, a roof over my head, a nice car to drive, parents nearby, etc. It's interesting that I find myself doing this out of the blue now even when I'm not so down. Have you ever taken the time to actually THINK about or verbalize everything you have to be thankful for? I read a quote the other day that really got me thinking. "How would your life be today if you were only left with what you thanked God for yesterday?" At the moment I read that I thought, "Well, I guess it would just be Ryan and me with no clothes, no food, no house, no car, no husband, no money...."As I racked my brain I realized that she was the only thing I had thanked God for the day before. Gets you thinking huh? 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice ALWAYS, pray CONTINUALLY, give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." No wonder making that list of things I'm blessed with makes me feel better. When I do that, I'm just following God's will.

On another note, Alan can't believe that I'm blogging and actually getting people to read it. He's amazed by the number of responses I've gotten. One thing about Alan is that he grew up in a family of all boys, so he still just doesn't get females and their emotions and "openness." He said that if he were going through a tough time he couldn't just share all of his feelings to a bunch of people, and if he DID, his buddies CERTAINLY wouldn't reply. I found this funny because the greatest relief I've gotten from this hormonal dive I've been in is hearing from other women who have been in the same boat and telling me that it WILL get better and that I'm NOT going crazy. One day I literally sat and read about a hundred different posts online from women and their experiences with post weaning depression. Just hearing their stories made me feel better than any supplement or pill. I guess that's just the difference between men and women. I even got a call at 6:30 this morning from a close friend telling me about her experience with Postpartum Depression. I hadn't even known she struggled with it, but she told me how she got through it!

By the way, I've found one positive I can glean from this PWD experience, if only temporarily. I had completely lost my appetite for a few days and dropped a few pounds. Yesterday I was able to wear a pair of size 25 jeans that I haven't been in since college. (about 7 years ago!) This made me feel ALMOST as good as reading about the other women's experiences. However, I'm absolutely positive that after the honey-chipotle chicken crispers, cheese fries with ranch, and martini I had last night at Chili's I wouldn't be able to put them on again today. Remind me to air dry them when they get washed so they don't shrink in the dryer!

Booby Blues

     Did you know that there is such a thing as "Post Weaning Depression?" I didn't either...but I have it. Let me just start by telling you...it SUCKS. I've always prided myself on being the epitome of calm and rational. I've never had bad mood swings, I've never been super emotional, and I certainly have never felt the way that I'm feeling right now. 

     When Ryan was born, I decided I was going to set a goal of breast feeding her as long as I possibly could, with my ultimate goal being one year. After struggles with milk production I was put on the supplement Domperidone, and it helped a lot. At Ryan's 9 month check up her pediatrician suggested that I make it to 11 months, give her the milk that I have stored, and then switch her to cow's milk. I agreed, and I'm happy to say that I made it to her 11 month birthday.  I was REALLY ready to stop breastfeeding, and I was expecting a little "bittersweetness" about not breastfeeding anymore since it's such a bonding experience. What I WASN'T expecting, though, was the severe hormone imbalance I would experience once I stopped pumping. I've never been a paranoid person, and I'm generally happy most of the time. What happened to me in the days following and even still, is just crazy. This past Saturday while house sitting for some friends, I hit rock bottom. My hormones were completely and totally out of whack. I simply couldn't get myself off of the couch. I completely lost my appetite, my stomach hurt,  and I couldn't stop crying, but the worst part was the anxiousness. Have you ever felt like SOMETHING seriously bad was going to happen, but you had no idea what or when, and you just couldn't shake the feeling? That's what I've been living with for about the last week. I couldn't think of anything but crawling in bed, pulling the covers over my head and never coming out. It hasn't been as bad as it was on Saturday, but every once in a while that desperate feeling will sneak up on me and I can't get rid of it. It's horrible!! Apparently when you're breastfeeding your body produces Oxytocin and other "feel good" hormones. When you've been doing it so long and then just stop you kind of "crash."

     I really hate to have to take things, especially anti-depressants or anti anxiety meds, so I decided to try "Happy Camper," an herbal supplement that supposed to lift your mood. I've only taken it for two days, but today it didn't seem to do much good. I was anxious most of the day. If this doesn't go away soon it looks like I'll be headed to the doctor. EEEK!

     I want to get the word out about Post Weaning Depression because I think it's totally overshadowed and not talked about when compared to Postpartum Depression. As much attention and help I received from the lactation specialists at the hospital, and even after we got home, I can't BELIEVE that no one mentioned that this MIGHT happen when I stopped breastfeeding. I had people asking me non stop after I delivered the baby if I was feeling myself, if I had "baby blues," if I ever thought about hurting myself or the baby.....WHY did no one tell me that I could have such problems after weaning?! RIDICULOUS!!

New to this stuff

     I want to start by saying that I've never blogged in my life, and I never thought I would. However, the last few days have been a little rough, and I thought it might make me feel better to put my thoughts on "paper." I named this blog "Life's Pure Joy" because I figured I would mostly be blogging about my daughter, who is absolutely the biggest blessing ever given to me. She is pure joy...words just don't do her justice. My heart nearly bursts when I think of her or see her sweet smile. I thank God over and over throughout each day for the privilege of being her mom.  Her name is Ryan Isabella, and she turned 11 months old yesterday.  I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it was almost a year ago that Alan and I were rushing to the hospital for a last minute unexpected c-section. Time is flying TOO fast!! I just want to soak it up and not forget ANYTHING!!
     I'm married to Alan, my college sweetheart, and we've been together for 10 years (married for 6).  Alan is retired from the NFL and is currently a Logistics Account Manager (Transportation Broker) for a transportation company in Plano. He's the love of my life, and I thank God for him daily. He works harder than you can imagine every single day, and he puts up with a whole bunch of ---- so that I can stay at home with Ryan. (Thank you, babe, for the sacrifices you make for us every single day!)
     If you know me personally, you KNOW that I went to Texas A&M (WHOOP!!), and my whole family bleeds maroon. My dad is the class of 1968, my husband '03, and I have a myriad of extended family members that are former students, and even some current students.  Ryan is already catching on quite nicely, as she falls asleep to me singing or humming "The Spirit of Aggieland" at basically every nap and "night night" time.  We're hoping this football season we'll be able to head to College Station for most of the home football games, and maybe Ryan will have her first religious experience at Kyle Field! ;)
     Speaking of religion, our family attends Preston Trail Community Church here in Frisco, and we love it. They have rockin' praise and worship music,  and the two senior pastors, Paul and Jim, are awesome. If you're in this area and looking for a church I highly recommend it. Alan and I would love to have you visit with us sometime. Ryan recommends the nursery as well.