It looks like I spoke a little too soon. I thought I was getting past this PWD stuff, but after this weekend I decided to call my doctor's office and speak to someone. I'm waiting for the nurse to talk to Dr. Bailey and call me back with instructions as to where to go next.
For some reason, my anxiety seems to be fixated on my family now...specifically my parents and Grandma, who I got to spend time with this weekend. I was able to hide it pretty well (I think), but I've been constantly on the verge of tears....the most emotional I've ever been, I think. I keep thinking about how my Grandma is 85 and isn't going to be around forever. I worry about something happening to my parents and how horrible life would be without them. It's kind of like when you sleep over at someone's house for the first time when you're young and have severe home sickness. I almost don't want to let them out of my sight. I've thought about these things before, and it's obviously sad that I won't always have those closest to me, but it's never affected me like this. It's never been where I absolutely can't stop thinking about bad things happening and being unable to hold back tears. My parents left this morning to take my Grandma on a trip to see family in Alabama. They stopped by here on their way out of town to drop their dogs off, and it was horrible to have to tell them goodbye knowing that they'd be gone a week. Really? I'm 29 years old with my own family. What is WRONG with me?! On one hand, it's almost debilitating to have THIS much anxiety, but on the other, at least now I can put a finger on what I'm anxious about. Before, I was always on the verge of a panic attack about nothing! With that came an intense feeling of hopelessness, which isn't quite so bad now.
I'm pretty sure Alan thinks I'm crazy and doesn't know what to do with me. He's being very sweet and trying to be comforting, and he's been gently prodding me to see the doctor. Truth be told, the reason I haven't called before now is that I'm scared to death to be put on anything. The thought of having to take a pill to change brain chemistry is terrifying to me. What if it makes this worse? What if it doesn't help? What if I can't get off of the medicine? ....again, another source of anxiety.
On a happy note, aside from the weepiness, we had a great Father's Day weekend. Friday night Alan and I went to see a movie and had dinner with friends. Saturday night we spent time with my Grandma and parents, played dominoes, and swam. Saturday we went to church with my family, had an amazing lunch of fried shrimp, tenderloin, and fresh veggies from the Farmer's Market. Afterwards we spent the rest of the afternoon with Alan's family. In the midst of all of the anxiety I can always find some light in the fact that everyone loves Ryan so much and that she brings so much joy to everyone. Her grandparents and uncles absolutely adore her, and her smile can make me feel better even on the darkest of days.
I'm hoping to keep myself busy this week...Maybe Ryan and I will find some fun things to do and can get out of the house some. Thursday we're looking forward to a fun play date at the splash pad with the ladies from my Bible study. Tomorrow we'll have a My Gym class, and we might go to the Babies and Books class at the library on Wednesday. In the mean time, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a quick call back from Dr. Bailey. I'm "anxious" to hear what she suggests I do!
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
For some reason, my anxiety seems to be fixated on my family now...specifically my parents and Grandma, who I got to spend time with this weekend. I was able to hide it pretty well (I think), but I've been constantly on the verge of tears....the most emotional I've ever been, I think. I keep thinking about how my Grandma is 85 and isn't going to be around forever. I worry about something happening to my parents and how horrible life would be without them. It's kind of like when you sleep over at someone's house for the first time when you're young and have severe home sickness. I almost don't want to let them out of my sight. I've thought about these things before, and it's obviously sad that I won't always have those closest to me, but it's never affected me like this. It's never been where I absolutely can't stop thinking about bad things happening and being unable to hold back tears. My parents left this morning to take my Grandma on a trip to see family in Alabama. They stopped by here on their way out of town to drop their dogs off, and it was horrible to have to tell them goodbye knowing that they'd be gone a week. Really? I'm 29 years old with my own family. What is WRONG with me?! On one hand, it's almost debilitating to have THIS much anxiety, but on the other, at least now I can put a finger on what I'm anxious about. Before, I was always on the verge of a panic attack about nothing! With that came an intense feeling of hopelessness, which isn't quite so bad now.
I'm pretty sure Alan thinks I'm crazy and doesn't know what to do with me. He's being very sweet and trying to be comforting, and he's been gently prodding me to see the doctor. Truth be told, the reason I haven't called before now is that I'm scared to death to be put on anything. The thought of having to take a pill to change brain chemistry is terrifying to me. What if it makes this worse? What if it doesn't help? What if I can't get off of the medicine? ....again, another source of anxiety.
On a happy note, aside from the weepiness, we had a great Father's Day weekend. Friday night Alan and I went to see a movie and had dinner with friends. Saturday night we spent time with my Grandma and parents, played dominoes, and swam. Saturday we went to church with my family, had an amazing lunch of fried shrimp, tenderloin, and fresh veggies from the Farmer's Market. Afterwards we spent the rest of the afternoon with Alan's family. In the midst of all of the anxiety I can always find some light in the fact that everyone loves Ryan so much and that she brings so much joy to everyone. Her grandparents and uncles absolutely adore her, and her smile can make me feel better even on the darkest of days.
I'm hoping to keep myself busy this week...Maybe Ryan and I will find some fun things to do and can get out of the house some. Thursday we're looking forward to a fun play date at the splash pad with the ladies from my Bible study. Tomorrow we'll have a My Gym class, and we might go to the Babies and Books class at the library on Wednesday. In the mean time, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a quick call back from Dr. Bailey. I'm "anxious" to hear what she suggests I do!
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
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